GRIEF MAKES BEGINNERS OF US ALL
I have been a student of grief for over 50 years. On a personal level, it began at my mother’s death when I was 21 years old, with lessons continuing to be offered over the years through the passing of other family members. On a professional level, during my career as a clinical psychologist, I counselled many clients who lost loved ones and accompanied them with shared tears on their grief journeys, often over long periods. And after retirement, I have continued to meet grief as a volunteer at a local hospice, teaching courses on Mindfulness to bereavement and palliative care patients as well as sitting vigils with patients close to death.
So I think it’s fair to say that I have seen grief “up close and personal” for a long time. And yet, when my daughter’s unborn son died from an umbilical cord accident the day before her scheduled C-section, I was again a complete novice, just another beginner on the voyage of grief! All my previous personal and professional experience and knowledge did not inoculate me from the pains of losing little Bowen, the grandson I would never be able to hold and delight in his squeals of laughter.
Grief is one of life’s great equalizers – no one escapes it, and no one sails through it emotionally untouched. One of my favourite characters is a fellow who goes by the name of Wavy Gravy. He was one of the MCs at the Woodstock music festival in 1969, and one of his quotes that holds much truth is his portrayal of our common humanity: “We are all bozos on the bus, so you might as well sit back and enjoy the ride.”
I understand Wavy Gravy’s conclusion to be one of acceptance, accepting the reality that we are all just humans who will experience the 10,000 joys and the 10,000 sorrows of life. Each of us, as one of the “bozos on the bus,” will be pushed to meet grief in our own way each time it arrives. Grief is that undeniably big, messy, and chaotic process that forcibly resists any attempts to be tamed or mastered. It can make you feel fearful, paralyzed, lonely, angry, confused, isolated, or all of the above – often within ten minutes! It is painful – often incredibly so – there is just no getting around it.
And just when you think you are ‘over’ grief, you experience ‘re-grieving days.’ Days when acutely experienced grief re-emerges months, years, or even decades later during a special day, holidays, or without any particular cue or prompt. Grief demands your attention on its own schedule.
Difficult as it often is to be with grief, it is undoubtedly an unavoidable human condition. There is no escaping the experience of loss, so the question becomes: how will you meet it? I have found that to meet grief, not attempting to harness or control or manipulate grief, is the appropriate, respectful, and healthy attitude needed to be with this demanding experience. The therapist Megan Devine wisely concludes: “That’s the real work of grief recovery . . . finding ways to live alongside your loss, building a life around the edges of what will always be a vacancy . . . Recovery in grief is a process of moving with what was, what might have been, and what still remains. None of this is easy.”
“None of this is easy” is so true! And because it is not easy, it takes courage to meet and develop a different relationship with grief and bereavement. But as the artist and writer Mary Anne Radmacher stated, Courage does not always come like a lion’s roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’” That, too, is an act of courage to nurture!
Dr. Gordon Wallace retired from his clinical psychology practice in 2017and has taught Mindfulness to hospice clients since then. He has been practicing Mindfulness meditation for over 30 years. His daughter, Rebecca Lewis, lost her unborn son, Bowen, in 2018.
Reprinted from BUTTERFLY RUN VANCOUVER, August 1, 2022 (www.butterflyrunvancouver.com), an organization dedicated to raising awareness and providing support around infertility, pregnancy loss and infant loss.